You might be a Redneck if…A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. Anyone in your family died right after saying, "hey, y'all watch this!” Birds are attracted to your beard. Down where you come from, reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people" Last year you hid your kids' Easter eggs under cow pies. On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. One of your kids was born on a pool table. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. That billboard that says, "Say no to Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 to keep alcohol out of the schools Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty. When you were little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God. You and your dog use the same tree. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. You believe that beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups. You can burp and say your name at the same time. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You couldn't learn to swim because your gene pool is too small. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. You ever named a child after a dog. You ever won first prize in a tobacco spitting contest. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." You go to your family reunion looking for a date. You got clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house. You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an ID. And you said, 'bout what?' You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student at South Little Rock Jr. High." You have a close relative named "Cletus". You have a framed portrait of Hulk Hogan over the fireplace. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't. You have a rag for a gas cap. You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. You have ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. You have more belt-buckles than pants. You have refused to watch the academy awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck. You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the men's room at the Flying J truck stop. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck. You list your parole officer as a reference. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the house of tattoos. You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose. You own a homemade fur coat. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. You refer to the fifth grade as your senior year. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." You removed the back seat from your car so all your kids could fit in. You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "concentrate". You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took You take a six-pack cooler to church. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart. You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph. You think genitalia is an Italian airline. You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. You think possum is "the other white meat" You think safe sex is a padded headboard. You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi. You think subdivision is part of a math problem. You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. You think the last words to the star spangled banner are "gentlemen, start your engines." You think the mountain men in deliverance were just "misunderstood". You think the OJ trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You think the stock market has fence around it. You think the three primary colors are John Deere green, Ford blue, and primer gray. You think the winter Olympic sport of curling is part of the "big hair" competition. You think there's nothing wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family. You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay. You use a NASCAR credit card. You use a pig for a garbage disposal. You use a weed eater in your living room. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks. You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who got to be the widow. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat". Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q. Your brother-in-law is your uncle and your grandfather. Your child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers!" Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your dog can't watch you eat without getting sick. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted. Your family tree has no forks. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed. Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow, but she can't touch it until she's fourteen. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. Your high school basketball game got rained out. Your home has more miles on it than your car. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. Your house still has the "wide load" sign on the back. Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. Your 'huntin dawg' had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed. Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper. Your junior/senior prom had a daycare. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps. Your kids take a siphon hose to "show and tell." Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!" Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III. Your parents met at a family reunion. Your pickup has a two-tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos". Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. Your state's got a new law that says when a couple gets divorced, they are still legally brother and sister. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the moonlight drive-in theater. Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking beer when it gets light. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. You've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch. You've ever financed a tattoo. You've ever had to scratch your sister’s name out of a message that begins, "for a good time call..." You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. You've ever worn hunter's orange to church. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'. You've painted a car with house paint. |