You might be a redneck Jedi if...a peaceful meditation session is one without gas.A Wookie has told you that you need to shave. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored. Jabba's pig guards think you have a hygiene problem. More than half the droids you own don't function. parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room. people mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership. Sandpeople back down from your mama. that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans. the cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber. the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family. the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside. the moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I. Q. The Rancor monster refused to eat you. the smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba's Gamorean guards. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. there is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid. Wookiees are offended by your B.O. you beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest. you bought hanging air fresheners for your friend's X-Wing at Christmas time. you brand cattle with a lightsaber. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. you call Hank Williams Jr. "master". you call the Emporer "That old ugly dude in the house coat." you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy. you call your young apprentice, "Juner. " You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. you can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE. you can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken. You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper. you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs. you count B.O. as a Jedi power. you didn't read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures. You discovered that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother. You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket. You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit. You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." you feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other. you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. you have a gun cabinet just for lightsabers. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder. You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees." you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister. you have ever gone deer huntin' with a lightsaber. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. you have ever said, "Anger...Fear...Aggression...Yankees...the dark side are they." you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill. you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer. you have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. you have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder. you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. you have fish innards all over your light sabor. you have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. you have the words "Foxy Lady" or a playboy bunny painted on your land speeder. You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..." you inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber. you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery. you meditate to old CCR records. you own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it. you say "these are not the beers you are looking for." You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck. you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. you think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks. you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth. you trim your beard and find a Mynock. you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck. you use Jawas for a drink holders. you use the "O" on stop signs to sight in your new blaster. You use the force to cheat at fishing, bowling, and long-distance spitting. you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D. you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer. you use your lightsabor as a bug zapper. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while vacationing on Hoth. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. you wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home. You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married. you wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training. your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame. your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett's tail pipe. your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." your father's name is Garth Vader. your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters. your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes. your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. your landspeeder has a gun rack. your lightsaber came with a "money back guarantee". your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base. your lightsaber is equiped with a "kick start". your lightsaber is the best lawnmower blade you've ever had. your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?" Your moonshine is made on the moon. your plan to destroy the Death Star included two M-80s and a half gallon of granny's moon shine. your robes have the Golden Flour label on them. your X-Wing has a still in it. you're flying a ship that has no original parts. You've argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. you've asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting. you've ever given someone a wedgie by using the force. you've ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her. you've ever taken a telephone pole down to test a lightsaber. You've gone AT-AT tipping. you've got a stuffed womp rat from Begger's Canyon on your mantle. you've moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers. You've strangled people with the force because they laughed at your accent. you've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon. You've used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a DUI. You've wrecked several landspeeders while lighting cigarettes with your lightsaber. |